1 in 4 women have miscarried. 25% of us are walking around in the deepest grief that I can't even imagine. 25% of us deal with a loss that leaves them feeling broken, not whole, and questioning everything. Every day. Like all of the devastation we witness in this broken world, we often sit in silence wondering "what can I do?" A lot of us stumble on our words, trying to say the right thing in the hopes that the perfect words might be exactly what our sisters and brothers need to heal. Like the perfect words can bring their child back. In all my clumsy attempts, all I've learned is that I don't have them. I still don't know what to say, or what to do to help ease my loved one's pain. Sometimes "I'm praying for you" doesn't feel like enough. Sometimes a hug and shared tears don't feel like enough. I've seen a common theme, though. When the broken feel ready to talk, they often share the immense loneliness they feel while going through their loss.
I had the honor of photographing the family portraits and birth announcement for friends who deal with this loss every day. I asked MaryAnn if she wanted to share her story on my blog, in the hopes that maybe someone who needs it will read it. Maybe someone who's walking through this storm right now will find even the smallest comfort in knowing they are not alone. So with that, I turn this blog post over to MaryAnn to share her story.
“When somebody looks at me and my family, they more than likely assume whatever they see is the truth. As we sit here with our now 8-month-old little girl, most people assume that she is our first child.
She is actually our second child. Our first born son, Camden, is in heaven. I had a textbook pregnancy, beautiful baby shower, a nursery all ready for baby, but at our last doctor appointment (just a few days before my due date) they couldn’t find a heartbeat.
I asked “why” about a million times and they had no answers for me. I went on to deliver a beautiful 6 lb 8 ounce baby boy on February 1, 2013.
Grief is such a lifelong journey. We decided not to have another child right away and almost 2 years after Camden’s death I found myself pregnant again. Unfortunately, it was a blighted ovum (a gestational sac but no baby) and I miscarried. I had never struggled to conceive so I just figured that we would just try again. For the next 2 years we had negative pregnancy test, after negative pregnancy test, even with fertility drugs. I felt so frustrated with it all. I cried at every pregnancy announcement or birth announcement posted on social media from my friends. I felt awful about feeling that way, but I also felt bad for myself.
We went to a fertility clinic and they told us IVF was the best option. But I had a blood clotting disorder which was, more than likely, why we lost our Camden. I was told that I needed to do daily lovenox shots with my next pregnancy along with baby aspirin. My husband is in the military and we received orders to move away across country. I had to let go of moving forward with IVF process. We gave it to God and prayed for a miracle.
Sure enough, I was eventually late. I did not think that I was pregnant but I decided to take a test, and to my absolute surprise it was positive! I gave birth to our second baby, Julianna Elizabeth Majcher on July 25, 2017.
After having her, we knew that we wanted to have another baby, but I also knew what a struggle it was to conceive her. I didn’t know if I would be able to get pregnant again. Around Christmas time my parents came to visit, which gave my husband and myself the opportunity to have a night to ourselves. That night we prayed about it and we decided we would start trying for another baby.
A few weeks later we ended up moving to a new place, and I found myself late again. I didn’t think I was pregnant. However, I decided to take a test and to my surprise, it was positive!
I sit here today crying as I write this because I feel so honored to be a mom to every single one of my babies.
There was a time when I was mad at God.
I didn't want to be around other people, I didn't want to go to church, I didn't want to praise God because I was hurting. I realized a couple years ago that the only way I could heal or get through it all was to turn towards Jesus for comfort. Through all of this, I’ve learned that when I try to do things on my own, the enemy wins. So I surrendered it all. I asked Him for help. And then I chose to trust God with my future.
Please don't think for minute that He's forgotten about you! He cares and He has the power to do great things. He has shown me this. My story wasn’t over yet and yours isn't either. I have hope in my heart to see our son Camden again and if you have been through this kind of loss, my prayer for you is that you have hope to!
Proverbs 3: 5-6 says, ‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.’
Being able to have a picture of my husband and myself, with all our children means the world to me. Thank you Leah, for capturing our family!
If you are struggling with infertility or loss (or both), please know you are not alone. Even though there’s pain and grief in this life, there is also joy and hope.”